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HOWARD STERN: Anything else in the news, Robin?
ROBIN QUIVERS: Jenna Elfman.
HOWARD: Who is that?
ROBIN: She’s the woman on "Dharma and Greg".
HOWARD: I’ve seen that show.
ROBIN: And she’s also in this new Richard Dreyfuss movie. And it’s really funny when they put a microphone in front of her, too.
HOWARD: Is she dopey?
ROBIN: Here she tells us what it was like, you know--apparently she has to get up into some kind of native costume and pretend to be, you know, from Africa or something--
HOWARD: OK.
ROBIN: -- in this movie. So here’s what it was like to get into her native costume:
TAPE OF JENNA ELFMAN: Totally. See, I love being the fool. I love it. I think it’s great. And I think a lot of girls who are known as "pretty girls" or whatever, they’re unwilling to go there, ‘cause they don’t wanna not look anything but together and--
HOWARD: Oh, she’s weird!
[laughter]
HOWARD: She should--they should--
ROBIN: She’s got a lot on her mind--
HOWARD: They should dress her up as a department store Santa Claus.
[laughter]
ELFMAN: I love it! Like, put me--I love it like, totally! It’s like a kid, you know. Kids don’t worry about what they look like when they’re playing in the mud; they’re just so into the experience.
HOWARD: She’s the female Woody Harrelson.
[laughter]
ELFMAN: And, um--
HOWARD: Is she for hemp?
ELFMAN: And that’s how I feel doing, working with Richard--
ROBIN: She’s a Scientologist, remember?
HOWARD: Oh, yeah. She’s stupid as can be.
[laughter]
HOWARD: Her and Travolta and Tom Cruise--Tom Cruise is the dumbest guy I ever saw interviewed.
[laughter]
HOWARD: I mean, Tom Cruise is literally a piece of wood! I mean, I know he’s a handsome boy--
ROBIN: Well, that clay table has turned him into a piece of wood, and there’s nothing left!
HOWARD: But I--I’ve never seen a guy more stupid than Tom Cruise. He’s got to be close to an idiot!
[laughter]
HOWARD: I mean, like an idiot!
[music snippet--"Stupid dick"]
HOWARD: I’ve never seen anybody stupider.
[laughter]
HOWARD: I saw--like, I saw him on "Rosie O’Donnell"; the guy’s as dumb as can be. He’s good when someone says, "Boy, you’re so handsome, I wish I was married to you!" That he’s good at.
[laughter]
ROBIN: He just smiles.
HOWARD: But he’s stupid! I can see how Scientology got a hold of him.
ROBIN: Well, Jenna or Jeena or whatever her name is--
HOWARD: And she’s dumber than him!
ROBIN: Also tells us that you shouldn’t worry about how you look when you’re in a scene:
ELFMAN: [beep] you. As an actress, you have the responsibility to staying true to the character--
HOWARD: Right--
ELFMAN: What would that character do?
[sound effect voice "F you"]
ELFMAN: Which at that point, you are out of the picture in what you care about your looks.
[sound effect voice "F you’]
ELFMAN: You know what I mean? That’s your responsibility is to be true to the character, so if you’re worried about, "But my hair looks better parted on this side and this is"--
[sound effect voice "F you, f you"]
[laughter]
ELFMAN: You’ve really, you’ve got to get over it, otherwise people are gonna--they smell it; the audience smells it--
HOWARD: I smell it right now!
[laughter]
ELFMAN: That’s not--[farting sound, snorting sound], what is this? But if you go there, they go there with you! And if you’re having fun and you’re committed, they’re having fun and they’re committed!
HOWARD: Oh, God--
[sound effect? Different voice, "---turn to hate, I don’t care any more!"]
ROBIN: And then she had a problem because when she looked at the script, it says she was playing a person of about 30:
ELFMAN: And in the script it says "30’s", and I was like, [Donald Duck type goofy voice] "Let’s see, I’m not 30"--
HOWARD: How old is she? [mimicking Jenna’s goofy voice] Ruh-ruh ruh, ruh, ruh.
[laughter]
ELFMAN: And so I was a little concerned about it--
HOWARD: She’s got brains leaking out like oil does out of your car.
[laughter]
ELFMAN: I was talking to Richard really seriously, like, "OK, now, like I wanna be", you know, like, we’re having a real actor talk--
[laughter]
HOWARD: She’s really dumb! Her head is as empty as an ice tea pitcher!
[laughter]
ELFMAN: Think about how--
HOWARD: We’re the only ones who play these interviews, by the way--
ROBIN: I know, they’re so hysterical!
ELFMAN: Like, somehow--
HOWARD: Her brain is down a few quarts!
[laughter]
ELFMAN: "What can I do to be older?" And he’s just looking at me like holding back snickering, and then he starts laughing. He’s like, "Jenna, you look like you’re 15 now. When you’re 35 you’ll still look like you’re 15, so just forget about it!" And I was like,--
[voice "F you"]
ELFMAN: [goofy voice] Ouch, as an actress, but OK.
HOWARD: What is she talking about?
ROBIN: I have no idea--
HOWARD: And I thought she was 30--I really did. She doesn’t look all that young.
ROBIN: No, she doesn’t.
HOWARD: No offense--no offense, honey, you look 30.
ROBIN: Here’s a woman who’s done a whole thing about how you shouldn’t worry about your looks, and as soon as they tell her to play 30, she’s like, [gasp].
HOWARD: She’s an idiot.
[laughter]
HOWARD: Her and Tom Cruise are the two stupidest actors I’ve ever heard.
ROBIN: Back to the clay table, E-meter for you, honey!
HOWARD: Oh, he is so dumb.
[sound effect voice? "He’s a dickweed"]
HOWARD: And she is even stupider! I can’t believe it! How can you possibly be stupider than Tom Cruise? It’s impossible!
ROBIN: She manages.
[some weird voice, "You ????? off (beep)]
[laughter]
ROBIN: Well, that’s what’s happening, folks.
HOWARD: You know, it’s a curse to be smart.
[laughter]
HOWARD: It’s much better to be stupid. That’s all I have to say.
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